The Scourge of Porn

[lacuna]

It's wrecking marriages and families. Viewing it is not an innocent pastime.

A young couple of my acquaintance is on the verge of divorce because of the husband's addiction to porn. He has been going to a sex addicts anonymous program for the past 4 or 5 months but his wife began an affair last March because he was unable to fulfill his marital obligation to her due to his debilitating porn addiction. He just found out about his wife's affair and is willing to forgive her and continue in the marriage. She, however, says she no longer loves him and is strongly leaning towards ending their marriage. They have a 2 year old child.

Do you think it is possible for the spark that initially draws a couple together to be rekindled in the wife in such a situation? If so, how would the husband manage this? The husband has said he has every intention of ending his addiction and changing his life. He confesses he has viewed porn approximately 14 or 15 times since entering the sex addicts program last July but is determined he will conquer it. This is a radical change from his former daily habit. He's a courageous man and I believe he will do this for his young son if not for his failing marriage.

As sad as this situation is, it is not atypical. What is the answer?

[wllmferg]

What about personal responsibility? It's a sad story but if not porn it probably would have been something else that fed his addictive personality. Even faced with the loss of his marriage he's continued to surf the web.

[Tebowism0823]

They're both at fault. The husband for letting something like that control him and jeopardize his marriage. The wife for stepping outside her vowels and cheating. I feel the most for their child. He's asked for none of this and yet will be effected the most.

Can the spark be relit, that's a good question. I'd doubt it if she's already cheated and states she doesn't love him. What's sad is how people take vowels and families as a joke these days. Making a commitment is just something people say these days; they don't really mean it. I'll pray for the child.

[Tebowism0823]

What about personal responsibility? It's a sad story but if not porn it probably would have been something else that fed his addictive personality. Even faced with the loss of his marriage he's continued to surf the web.

Exactly. That guys Pathetic IMO.

[G8trJasonB]

The OP is right. Porn addiction is not atypical these days with the relative ease in obtaining it. I know a lot of good people that have struggled with porn. There are no simple answers or quick fixes either. It takes hard work, dedication, and the support of loved ones, just like any other addiction.

[Spurffelbow833]

It is important to try to find out if you are sexually compatible before the notary public slaps on the cuffs. If a man wants it every day and twice on Sunday and his wife only once a week, there is going to be trouble.

[bakaduin]

People can get addicted to anything but I guess I see this as the exception not the rule. Number of men married and single who don't watch porn? I'd imagine a small minority. Number of those people addicted to it to the point of changing their marriage? I'd imagine not many.

[PIMking]

What about personal responsibility? It's a sad story but if not porn it probably would have been something else that fed his addictive personality. Even faced with the loss of his marriage he's continued to surf the web.

He didn't just start going to town watching porn, His wife could of stopped having sex with him forcing him to go elsewhere for his needs and at least those needs are at home on a computer than someone else.

To me she is more at fault than him, she physically cheated on him with another person. I have never cheated on anyone and have been cheated on. I left her as soon as I found out and there wasn't a thing she could have done to stop that either since once they cheat they will always cheat or I will never be able to trust them if I wasn't around them.

I have a very short temper and the dude that she cheated on me with didn't fair too well, the bastard knew that she was with me and did it anyways.

The only thing that I hope they can do is be civil towards eachother and make sure that their child is the number one thing in their lives and that baby means everything.

[LeafUF]

I'm not sure I follow the reasoning here. So a husband watches porn and that wrecks a marriage yet a wife having an affair doesn't?

I don't know these people so I don't want to make assumptions or judgments on their relationship but it seems that there were other things going on here than just a husband watching porn.

[PIMking]

To me the husband isn't innocent but he went conventional war and she went nuclear

[oragator1]

Almost anything has addicts...food, the Internet, video games, plastic surgery, tattoos, shopping etc etc etc.
The question is how someone faces and deals with their addiction, and how those around them support them when they are trying to change. Without knowing more about this couple it sounds like they both failed.

[gatorjjh]

sad story with no 'good' resolution, once one member has closed the curtain on a relationship it is time to look for the best of a menu of bad answers, at a minimum both must put the child first in their decisions as separate adults co-parenting a small child. She has moved on and he needs to clean up his addiction and get on with his life as a single parent. Playing the blame game does no one any good. Each member should try to compartmentalize the hurt, work on dissipating it and be sure it does not shade decisions involving the child's well being.

[bakaduin]

It's wrecking marriages and families. Viewing it is not an innocent pastime.

A young couple of my acquaintance is on the verge of divorce because of the husband's addiction to porn. He has been going to a sex addicts anonymous program for the past 4 or 5 months but his wife began an affair last March because he was unable to fulfill his marital obligation to her due to his debilitating porn addiction. He just found out about his wife's affair and is willing to forgive her and continue in the marriage. She, however, says she no longer loves him and is strongly leaning towards ending their marriage. They have a 2 year old child.

Do you think it is possible for the spark that initially draws a couple together to be rekindled in the wife in such a situation? If so, how would the husband manage this? The husband has said he has every intention of ending his addiction and changing his life. He confesses he has viewed porn approximately 14 or 15 times since entering the sex addicts program last July but is determined he will conquer it. This is a radical change from his former daily habit. He's a courageous man and I believe he will do this for his young son if not for his failing marriage.

As sad as this situation is, it is not atypical. What is the answer?

I love how this is phrased. They are getting a divorce because of his addiction...not because of her having an affair. That gets buried later in the paragraph.

[ajoseph]

Why was he watching porn with regularity to begin with? Maybe the wife fell out of love and lost interest? Or was it because of the newborn and the impact gut the child has on their sex life? Or,does the guy just like watching non-stop porn?

[romeg8r]

The guy should get a grip.

And the woman is just wrong.

[ovillegator]

They both need to sit down and watch the movie 'Fireproof'.

Then he needs to do the journal. She either will, or won't, respond.

And go to Christian counseling. They need a third party to get past the baggage they have both created.

The good news is, they can forgive and move past this, he can overcome his addiction, and they can have their sex life and their happy marriage back -- or maybe find it for the first time.

[SkyChimp]

We love the female body and its how we are wired. Him looking at porn doesn't justify her getting stuffed by another man in bed. You're damaged goods now lady. ;-)

[LoyalGatorFan]

I'll be honest with you guys here....I currently watch porn...I have for years..however to me its more of a hobby than a necessity...I don't watch it when I am in a relationship as I focus all my "energy" on my girlfriend and don't really need to be satisfied that way since I have a girl to do those things...whether or not it can be addicting or not is up for debate I suppose...I know some couples who actually watch it together to help get them in the mood....

[LeafUF]

If things ever got to the point where I preferred porn to a girlfriend that relationship was already over whether I knew it or not. This is obviously not the same as being married with a child but it may speak to a couple that possibly wasn't as compatible as they needed to be for that level of commitment.

[gatordee]

They're both at fault. These for letting something like that control him and jeopardize his marriage. The wife for stepping outside her vowels and cheating. I feel the most for their child. He's asked for none of this and yet will be effected the most.

[COLOR="Red"]Can the spark be relit, that's a good question. I'd doubt it if she's already cheated and states she doesn't love him. What's sad is how people take vowels and families as a joke these days. Making a commitment is just something people say these days; they don't really mean it. I'll pray for the child.
This. I believe the chances are very slim on her changing her mind.This is the other problem. People in addiction or whatever it may be that is causing them to stop paying attention to their spouse, do not realize how much damage they have caused their relationship until it is too late. But you never know.

[Tebowism0823]

They both need to sit down and watch the movie 'Fireproof'.

Then he needs to do the journal. She either will, or won't, respond.

And go to Christian counseling. They need a third party to get past the baggage they have both created.

The good news is, they can forgive and move past this, he can overcome his addiction, and they can have their sex life and their happy marriage back -- or maybe find it for the first time.

Fireproof is a very good movie. Fits this situation to a T!

[anstro76]

why the pub. we come here for the lighter side. and porn is welcome. sorry dudes got a problem and his wife stepped out on him, too hot maybe?

Sent from my mind using ESP

[Tebowism0823]

why the pub. we come here for the lighter side. and porn is welcome. sorry dudes got a problem and his wife stepped out on him, too hot maybe?

Sent from my mind using ESP

How's the single life serving you? :)

[anstro76]

it's great. first time i've been single in a long time...and loving every minute of it. but the question still remains why a buzzkill thread in the pub?

Sent from my mind using ESP

[malscott]

The guy has an addiction and the woman was insecure enough to allow it to send her into another mans arms? Unless she was heading there anyway- who knows the truth? I'm not sure what this has to do with it, but many, and I mean many women have a real hard time sexually connecting again after children. Sometimes there are all kinds of emotional things that come up that were never apparent before. Doesn't seem to be her problem though. In her case she could have gone out and got some because she was hurt, pissed or really didn't care enough about him to wait for him to get his act together. If she cared, she should have been grounded in alonon. She doesn't realise he's dealing with a disease. Sounds more than your usual spank session once in a while. She basically bailed on him when things got tough. She probably likens the porn to him porking some other babe. She's actually 'doing' the deed with someone else. sounds to me like this relationship was doomed from the get go. Not a very evolved couple, sorry. Poor kid. Dad's a sex addict and mom is out, already in bed with another guy. Kid is doomed. A real caring mom would put the focus on the kid rather than worry about having sex immediately. That's about all Dr. Malscott has to say about that! What a mess...God bless the child...hopefully they can stop serving themselves once in a while to care of that kid.

[lacuna]

Sorry for the buzz kill Anstro. I'm sure you will get over it.

The wife is a daughter of a good friend of mine who is crushed by what is happening in her daughter's marriage and she shared with me. The husband has admitted he has had an addiction to porn for more than 18 years. Both husband and wife are 37. The wife knew of his problem before they married but was "sure he would change."

The husband found out about the affair and threatened the other man with exposure to his wife. The other man is 45, has been married for 19 years and has 3 teenagers. He is not looking to divorce. The affair has ended.

The husband is crushed but loves his wife and wants to save the marriage. He does not want a divorce but told her he wants her to be happy and will accept it if that is what she wants. He is talking openly and freely to my friend and is looking for a way to reignite the spark they had when they were first dating. She asked me if I had any ideas and I thought the fertile minds of the Pub might come up with something.

[GatorAvatar]

The way the OP describes the poor fellas addiction to porn left me in stitches.

[wllmferg]

The suggestion that he "needs to get a grip" was also amusing but that's just me.

[oragator1]

Sorry for the buzz kill Anstro. I'm sure you will get over it.

The wife is a daughter of a good friend of mine who is crushed by what is happening in her daughter's marriage and she shared with me. The husband has admitted he has had an addiction to porn for more than 18 years. Both husband and wife are 37. The wife knew of his problem before they married but was "sure he would change."

The husband found out about the affair and threatened the other man with exposure to his wife. The other man is 45, has been married for 19 years and has 3 teenagers. He is not looking to divorce. The affair has ended.

The husband is crushed but loves his wife and wants to save the marriage. He does not want a divorce but told her he wants her to be happy and will accept it if that is what she wants. He is talking openly and freely to my friend and is looking for a way to reignite the spark they had when they were first dating. She asked me if I had any ideas and I thought the fertile minds of the Pub might come up with something.

It really does seem straight forward, again admittedly from the outside.
He has to work on his problem in a real and open way giving her a belief it will get better and giving her a reason to stay, and she has to be willing to go through the process with him in a way a supportive spouse who loves their S/O and believes in their vows should. If one side isn't willing to do their part, not a whole lot else matters? The root is trust and feelings of abandonment from what you have said, you can't "spark" your way through that or work around it, fix the core issue(s) and the spark will take care of itself. I do know some couples for whom couples therapy has worked, and even doing that would be a step in the right direction to at least see if it is fixable, if they haven't tried it already.

[LeafUF]

We are getting the females side of the story only here. The female who is maybe going out of her way to justify her affair with another married man.

If she were perfectly content with her husband she might not have had an affair but to put the blame of her infidelity squarely on her husband and his issues denies her own responsibility in the situation. They clearly have problems, porn addiction or not, if I were her husband I would be out of there.

[malscott]

Addiction is a problem. Ruins families, relationships, jobs...hope. Infedility also undermines a great deal. I guess some would say porn would be violating a relationship. Then again , I know a lot of couples that use porn as a part of their sex-life together. I'm 25 years sober, know a thing or two about addiction...(mostly know nothing though)if he doesn't get real help it'll never work. Inciduous disease. Can he forgive on top of that? What is his underlying problem? Takes years of work. Hardly ever is fixed by abstinence alone. Compulsive behavior is rooted back in the formative years. He has to accept (she does too) he;s afflcited with a disease. Does he drink too? How much cross-addicting is there? Very complex issues...I don't envy their situation, that's for sure. Professional help is the only answer for them. Alanon for her. Therapy for him. Obsessive compulsive behavior isn't easy to derail. But cognative therapy can help. Sex therapy might also help their relationship. But the issues are obviosly much deeper. Good luck with your pals...

[ACCecil]

There is always a chance the spark could rekindle in a relationship especially if they work together and just had a falling out. People say things when they are mad all the time and most of it they don't mean. An addiction to porn is a real problem but so are addictions to gambling, watching sports, flirting, sexting, texting, booze, etc.

They are all problems.

The real question is are they better together or better apart? They have a young child. Do they both work? Can one survive financially without the other?

The trust issue can be fixed. I know a lady I work with who divorced her hubby because he cheated. She is now basically completely alone in life. It is hard for me to judge from a distance but, from what I can tell, she isn't happier without him. I don't know why he "cheated" but I do know she doesn't exactly take care of herself physically. So was it really his fault for straying? I don't know. I'll put it this way too many people get hitched up and then let themselves go to hell in a hand basket and then get all shocked because their partners stray.

It ain't no mystery where I'm sitting.

But honestly, the whole concept of monogamy is a bit whacky IMHO. Its funny, I was just watching videos on youtube by searching wedding vows and some of them are beautiful!!! I'm a guy but I was practically in tears just watching people that much in love. And when they say these vows you really want to believe it. I know it is "wrong" to cheat but I can assure you I've met more than one person in my life I was attracted to.

This comes from a guy who has been married once and it has lasted for 19 great years so far. We've made it this far not because we were soul mates but mostly because we've accepted each other as we are at this point. We hardly fight anymore. We didn't throw in the towel the dozens of times we could have. We just stuck it out because at least one of us wouldn't give up when we had trouble. I think far too many couples cut and run wayyyyyy too easily.

And the two biggest reasons why people break up and (1) money problems and (2) infidelity. Both of which can be solved in my opinion especially if you have kids. If you don't have kids, okay, maybe, just cut and run.

[96Gatorcise]

It's wrecking marriages and families. Viewing it is not an innocent pastime.

A young couple of my acquaintance is on the verge of divorce because of the husband's addiction to porn. He has been going to a sex addicts anonymous program for the past 4 or 5 months but his wife began an affair last March because he was unable to fulfill his marital obligation to her due to his debilitating porn addiction. He just found out about his wife's affair and is willing to forgive her and continue in the marriage. She, however, says she no longer loves him and is strongly leaning towards ending their marriage. They have a 2 year old child.

Do you think it is possible for the spark that initially draws a couple together to be rekindled in the wife in such a situation? If so, how would the husband manage this? The husband has said he has every intention of ending his addiction and changing his life. He confesses he has viewed porn approximately 14 or 15 times since entering the sex addicts program last July but is determined he will conquer it. This is a radical change from his former daily habit. He's a courageous man and I believe he will do this for his young son if not for his failing marriage.

As sad as this situation is, it is not atypical. What is the answer?

so this guy has only looked at porn 15 times since July? that is like once a week, how is this a problem?
I must be a degenerate......:embarrased:

[bakaduin]

so this guy has only looked at porn 15 times since July? that is like once a week, how is this a problem?
I must be a degenerate......:embarrased:

Seriously lol.

[Tebowism0823]

so this guy has only looked at porn 15 times since July? that is like once a week, how is this a problem?
I must be a degenerate......:embarrased:

lol.....I have a feeling there are a lot of degenerates here :)

[gtr2x]

Sad for the kid.

Hard to see how this works out for the adults. Maybe its because I'm a guy, but I don't see porn addiction in the same league as an affair. Not impossible, but i dont see how you ever trust a cheater again. Maybe something just changed for the woman after she had the kid, who knows. Good luck to your friends, tho.

[Swampmaster]

to end the scourge, maybe the government should ban all porn

[jewood592]

HMMMM. He watches porn. She's "driven into the arms" of another man. Yep. It's his fault. She's not a whore!

[northgagator]

so this guy has only looked at porn 15 times since July? that is like once a week, how is this a problem?
I must be a degenerate......:embarrased:

If you count some of the commercials or shows on TV this guy (and a lot of us) have relapsed five to six times a night. I am referring to some of those Victoria Secret commercials and cable shows are pretty steamy.

[fairfaxgator]

We need more pics on the Thong, er...Babes with Thongs...er...Thongs on Babes...threads!

[g8orbill]

I am not excusing the porn addiction-but cheating is cheating and not sure I would be so benevolent

[vangator1]

I was hoping Ray was relaxing some of the rules and allowing porn. :)

Sounds like a Tiger Woods kind of thing. Only difference is Tiger is famous with lots of money, so he didn't need porn. He got the real thing.

[JimBobTheClown]

Dude needs to divorce that crazy beach and move on. Take custody of the kid and maybe not look at so much prawns. Woman in this story is a pathetic cheating piece of garbage.

[gator10010]

The porn nor the affair are the problem in this relationship, merely symptoms.

You said that she knew about his "porn addiction " before they were married, well if his porn addiction didn't bother her enough when they were dating why does it bother her now?

It bothers her now because she isn't happy and his porn addiction is the easy out card.

Can the relationship be saved? I ask what relationship is there?

There is a man who can't handle his porn consumption and is willing to let it wreck his life and there is a woman who is too scared to communicate with her husband so she starts an affair with a married man. Sad really, these two have lost themselves somewhere along the way. They've forgotten who they really are as individuals.

Before any saving of a relationship can begin both of these individuals need to spend some time alone and figure out what really makes them happy and how do they really want to live their lives. If they do this and both decide they want to "save" their relationship then they have a chance but taking all of this hurt, anger, and trust issues straight into marriage counseling is a recipe for disaster.

[Tebowism0823]

HMMMM. He watches porn. She's "driven into the arms" of another man. Yep. It's his fault. She's not a whore!

lol

[ovillegator]

so this guy has only looked at porn 15 times since July? that is like once a week, how is this a problem?
I must be a degenerate......:embarrased:

Well, he ADMITS to only 15 times since July. Those are probably the times he was caught. :wink:

[FrankGator627]

The porn nor the affair are the problem in this relationship, merely symptoms.

You said that she knew about his "porn addiction " before they were married, well if his porn addiction didn't bother her enough when they were dating why does it bother her now?

It bothers her now because she isn't happy and his porn addiction is the easy out card.

Can the relationship be saved? I ask what relationship is there?

There is a man who can't handle his porn consumption and is willing to let it wreck his life and there is a woman who is too scared to communicate with her husband so she starts an affair with a married man. Sad really, these two have lost themselves somewhere along the way. They've forgotten who they really are as individuals.

Before any saving of a relationship can begin both of these individuals need to spend some time alone and figure out what really makes them happy and how do they really want to live their lives. If they do this and both decide they want to "save" their relationship then they have a chance but taking all of this hurt, anger, and trust issues straight into marriage counseling is a recipe for disaster.

This.

[GatoRella]

Dude needs to divorce that crazy beach and move on. Take custody of the kid and maybe not look at so much prawns. Woman in this story is a pathetic cheating piece of garbage.

Lmao

[Tebowism0823]

Dude needs to divorce that crazy beach and move on. Take custody of the kid and maybe not look at so much prawns. Woman in this story is a pathetic cheating piece of garbage.

Don't beat around the bush, how do you really feel? :)

[GatorAbe7]

He didn't just start going to town watching porn, His wife could of stopped having sex with him forcing him to go elsewhere for his needs and at least those needs are at home on a computer than someone else.



So since this is brought up, how much can the woman be responsible for things that go wrong if they refuse sex? In other words, knowing that its impossible for the guy to handle permanent refusal, who is it that's s'posed to warn the women not to do this? Mothers? Pastors? Counselors? I've never gotten a straight answer.

[gatormann]

Porn is for jerkoffs!

Alcohol is for drunks!

Brownies are for fatties!

Ho! Ho! Ho! :santa::santa::santa:

[northgagator]

Well, he ADMITS to only 15 times since July. Those are probably the times he was caught. :wink:

Wow she admits to an affair (with a married man). That is probably the time she got caught.:wink:

[lacuna]

Thanks for all the responses. I don't know that there's an answer here for the husband looking to re-engage his wife's affection but it's interesting reading the various thoughts of all who responded.

I knew this girl when she was a child but haven't seen her much since she has grown up. I met the husband once, at their wedding a few years back. They appeared to be very happy and very much in love as I guess all couples do on their wedding day. I would never have believed this could happen to them.

I don't know much more about the situation other than the wife told her mother their love making was infrequent and unsatisfying for her. From what I've been reading this can be caused by porn addiction.

I mostly post in Too Hot and those who are familiar with my posts in that forum know I will research a topic that interests me to the ends of the earth to learn as much about it as I can. So I have been reading about porn addiction today and learned it is terribly damaging to people (women too, can be porn addicts) who are addicted and a threat to their marriages.

http://goodmenproject.com/health/how-porn-can-ruin-your-sex-life-and-your-marriage/

Always young. Always beautiful. Always new. Porn keeps dopamine surging in the brain. But at what point does chronic stimulation become chronic dissatisfaction?

If you’re married and using Internet porn regularly, your sex life—the one with your wife—is probably a lot less satisfying than it could be.

You probably know that from an evolutionary standpoint, a man is rewarded for spreading his seed. But your wedding vows have an evolutionary purpose, too: they increase the chances that your joint offspring will have two caregivers, thus improving the odds that your genes will survive.

Internet porn, it turns out, messes with both these instincts. The endless variety and overstimulation may initially help you get more excited during sex, but over time it has the opposite effect: porn can dull your ability to please, and be pleased by, your partner.

When free, streaming porn became available, psychiatrist Norman Doidge, in The Brain That Changes Itself, noticed something unsettling among his porn-using patients:

They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.

Today’s porn can dampen your sexual responsiveness to your partner by over-activating three brain mechanisms. First, an ancient biological program in the brain overrides natural satiety when there are lots of mates begging to be sexed. Your brain perceives each new individual on your screen as a valuable genetic opportunity. Second, too much stimulation can numb the pleasure response of the brain for a time, pumping up cravings for more novel stimuli. Therefore, a familiar mate—your spouse—appears less and less enticing. And finally, too much stimulation of the brain’s sex and mating circuitry obstructs the mammalian instinct toward monogamy.

The result? Indifference.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-porn-addiction/201112/is-porn-really-destroying-500000-marriages-annually

Is Porn Really Destroying 500,000 Marriages Annually?
Is porn really the cause of 50% of all divorces?
Published on December 12, 2011 by Kevin B. Skinner, Ph.D. in Inside Porn Addiction

In a 2004 testimony before the United States Senate, Dr. Jill Manning shared some interesting data regarding pornography and relationships. In her research she found that 56 percent of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.1 Another source, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, polled 350 divorce attorneys in 2003 where two thirds of them reported that the Internet played a significant role in the divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases.

If these numbers are accurate, here's a very sobering statistic. Every year for the past decade there have been roughly 1 million divorces in the United States. If half of the people divorcing claim pornography as the culprit, that means there are 500,000 marriages annually that are failing due to pornography.

I am sure that many people will argue that there are other underlying issues in these marriages and that pornography is the symptom and not the root cause. I get it. It can't possibly be the porn because porn wasn't the reason given in the late 70's and early 80's when the divorce rate hit its peak. Back then wasn't it sex, money, and the kids? So it's not really the porn, right? It has to be the lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage or that the women are too cold and frigid. Or maybe it's because some women are overly sensitive and feel so threatened by it that they are putting their foot down and saying "me or the porn." There just has to be another reason besides the porn.

Wait...wait...what if it actually is the porn? ...

...My heart hurts for individuals caught in the web of pornography. When you see grown men crying in your office because they can't quit and when they tell you that porn is costing them everything, you quickly realize that pornography is not just a leisurely activity. Then, when you meet a woman who feels rejected, not good enough, and unloved by her partner because of porn, you want to change something about the way things are being done.

[northgagator]

My wife has a medical condition that makes sexual relations impossible.
I told her that our vows were for "in sickness and in health" and that I will not go into the arms of another woman.
This condition came unto her four years ago and I have not nor will I stray.
I do admit that I do take advantage of porn and self pleasuring to fill in a void and to release those manly urges. I keep this activity to my self and i do not let her know. Somethings are best left unsaid. She knows what I do but she does not say anything. I guess it is because I am still loyal to her.

[FrankGator627]

I'm a 28 yr old male and I have no idea why people enjoy watching porn. I'm not saying I haven't watched porn or anything like that.

However, in the past year, I don't think I've watched porn at all. Honestly, I think it has been a couple years since I watched a porno.

[oldgator]

just glad my wife enjoys porn as much as I do.

There are a lot of people who get married without getting to know their future spouse. As a result a lot find out they didn't get who they expected to get.
---be it porn
---alcohol/drugs
---professional work goals
---preference in climate
---preference on where to live in regard to city, suburbia, or rural
---sports
---shopping
---sexual preferences
---in-laws
---number of children to have
---etc, etc, etc

[bakaduin]

I'm a 28 yr old male and I have no idea why people enjoy watching porn. I'm not saying I haven't watched porn or anything like that.

However, in the past year, I don't think I've watched porn at all. Honestly, I think it has been a couple years since I watched a porno.

You don't know why people enjoy porn? Because looking at nothing while you jerk it isn't nearly as efficient.

[ovillegator]

Thanks for all the responses. I don't know that there's an answer here for the husband looking to re-engage his wife's affection but it's interesting reading the various thoughts of all who responded.

I knew this girl when she was a child but haven't seen her much since she has grown up. I met the husband once, at their wedding a few years back. They appeared to be very happy and very much in love as I guess all couples do on their wedding day. I would never have believed this could happen to them.

I don't know much more about the situation other than the wife told her mother their love making was infrequent and unsatisfying for her. From what I've been reading this can be caused by porn addiction.

I mostly post in Too Hot and those who are familiar with my posts in that forum know I will research a topic that interests me to the ends of the earth to learn as much about it as I can. So I have been reading about porn addiction today and learned it is terribly damaging to people (women too, can be porn addicts) who are addicted and a threat to their marriages.

http://goodmenproject.com/health/how-porn-can-ruin-your-sex-life-and-your-marriage/

Always young. Always beautiful. Always new. Porn keeps dopamine surging in the brain. But at what point does chronic stimulation become chronic dissatisfaction?

If you’re married and using Internet porn regularly, your sex life—the one with your wife—is probably a lot less satisfying than it could be.

You probably know that from an evolutionary standpoint, a man is rewarded for spreading his seed. But your wedding vows have an evolutionary purpose, too: they increase the chances that your joint offspring will have two caregivers, thus improving the odds that your genes will survive.

Internet porn, it turns out, messes with both these instincts. The endless variety and overstimulation may initially help you get more excited during sex, but over time it has the opposite effect: porn can dull your ability to please, and be pleased by, your partner.

When free, streaming porn became available, psychiatrist Norman Doidge, in The Brain That Changes Itself, noticed something unsettling among his porn-using patients:

They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.

Today’s porn can dampen your sexual responsiveness to your partner by over-activating three brain mechanisms. First, an ancient biological program in the brain overrides natural satiety when there are lots of mates begging to be sexed. Your brain perceives each new individual on your screen as a valuable genetic opportunity. Second, too much stimulation can numb the pleasure response of the brain for a time, pumping up cravings for more novel stimuli. Therefore, a familiar mate—your spouse—appears less and less enticing. And finally, too much stimulation of the brain’s sex and mating circuitry obstructs the mammalian instinct toward monogamy.

The result? Indifference.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-porn-addiction/201112/is-porn-really-destroying-500000-marriages-annually

Is Porn Really Destroying 500,000 Marriages Annually?
Is porn really the cause of 50% of all divorces?
Published on December 12, 2011 by Kevin B. Skinner, Ph.D. in Inside Porn Addiction

In a 2004 testimony before the United States Senate, Dr. Jill Manning shared some interesting data regarding pornography and relationships. In her research she found that 56 percent of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.1 Another source, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, polled 350 divorce attorneys in 2003 where two thirds of them reported that the Internet played a significant role in the divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases.

If these numbers are accurate, here's a very sobering statistic. Every year for the past decade there have been roughly 1 million divorces in the United States. If half of the people divorcing claim pornography as the culprit, that means there are 500,000 marriages annually that are failing due to pornography.

I am sure that many people will argue that there are other underlying issues in these marriages and that pornography is the symptom and not the root cause. I get it. It can't possibly be the porn because porn wasn't the reason given in the late 70's and early 80's when the divorce rate hit its peak. Back then wasn't it sex, money, and the kids? So it's not really the porn, right? It has to be the lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage or that the women are too cold and frigid. Or maybe it's because some women are overly sensitive and feel so threatened by it that they are putting their foot down and saying "me or the porn." There just has to be another reason besides the porn.

Wait...wait...what if it actually is the porn? ...

...My heart hurts for individuals caught in the web of pornography. When you see grown men crying in your office because they can't quit and when they tell you that porn is costing them everything, you quickly realize that pornography is not just a leisurely activity. Then, when you meet a woman who feels rejected, not good enough, and unloved by her partner because of porn, you want to change something about the way things are being done.

Too many people don't want to let the facts get in the way of their good time. But these are the facts.

[bakaduin]

Too many people don't want to let the facts get in the way of their good time. But these are the facts.

Lol at using "facts" in one post and telling someone to go to "Christian counseling" in another. Because the Bible is just one big encyclopedia of facts right? LOL

[Spurffelbow833]

You don't know why people enjoy porn? Because looking at nothing while you jerk it isn't nearly as efficient.

Funny thing is, before I started looking at porn, my imagination worked a heck of a lot better.

[GatorAbe7]

There are a lot of people who get married without getting to know their future spouse. As a result a lot find out they didn't get who they expected to get.
---be it porn
---alcohol/drugs
---professional work goals
---preference in climate
---preference on where to live in regard to city, suburbia, or rural
---sports
---shopping
---sexual preferences
---in-laws
---number of children to have
---etc, etc, etc

And they absolutely have themselves to blame for not searching out whether their potential spouse has any of these problems. I'll pick on the "number of children" to have since I've had two male friends come to me with "but I didn't know she didn't want kids" story. Isn't the whole point of dating/courtship/engagement to find this stuff out?!?!? Another subject I'm surprised a lot of engaged couples don't even approach is money. My goodness, find out what expenses purchases you'll need over the course of marriage - housing (most important), daycare, cars, etc - and find out where you differ BEFORE you get married. Does he want to stay in the city while she wants the suburbs? Whoever brought up "Christian Counseling" should look into it more. Marriages that occur through the church are often given a disservice in regards to pre-marital counseling which focuses too abstractly on the inner feelings of marriage rather than the practicalities as listed very well above.

[secgator]

You don't know why people enjoy porn? Because looking at nothing while you jerk it isn't nearly as efficient.

Hmmm....a completely new way to look at this issue. I like someone who thinks of productivity, efficiency, and output---turns porn into a true manufacturing process. :wink:

Reps for this!

[gator10010]

just glad my wife enjoys porn as much as I do.

There are a lot of people who get married without getting to know their future spouse. As a result a lot find out they didn't get who they expected to get.
---be it porn
---alcohol/drugs
---professional work goals
---preference in climate
---preference on where to live in regard to city, suburbia, or rural
---sports
---shopping
---sexual preferences
---in-laws
---number of children to have
---etc, etc, etc

You are right about this. Sometimes people tend to over look things important to them while dating, thinking that people will change or they assume that because they want things a certain way so does their partner, anyone that has been married knows this couldn't be further from the truth.

I believe that a healthy sex life is the biggest driving factor in a relationship. Not an ok sex life. If you can't tell your partner your wants and needs in the bedroom, you have a problem...and at some point in time it will lead to other problems.

[gator10010]

My wife has a medical condition that makes sexual relations impossible.
I told her that our vows were for "in sickness and in health" and that I will not go into the arms of another woman.
This condition came unto her four years ago and I have not nor will I stray.
I do admit that I do take advantage of porn and self pleasuring to fill in a void and to release those manly urges. I keep this activity to my self and i do not let her know. Somethings are best left unsaid. She knows what I do but she does not say anything. I guess it is because I am still loyal to her.

That is terrible and I applaud your efforts. You are a good man.

Maybe you should invite your wife to be with you during these "activities ". She may not be able to perform but maybe she will at least feel like she is still a part of that portion of your life.

I mean if she already knows your doing it, why not?

[oldgator]

"My wife has a medical condition that makes sexual relations impossible.
I told her that our vows were for "in sickness and in health" and that I will not go into the arms of another woman.
This condition came unto her four years ago and I have not nor will I stray.
I do admit that I do take advantage of porn and self pleasuring to fill in a void and to release those manly urges. I keep this activity to my self and i do not let her know. Somethings are best left unsaid. She knows what I do but she does not say anything. I guess it is because I am still loyal to her."

kudos in living the vow. And despite all the hardships for both of you my guess is that you both find great joy in being with each other

Two friends I had for years had something similar occur
He was a minister and married to a wonderful lady. She suffered two subdural hematomas a number of months apart that left her paralyzed to some extent in all four extremities(wheelchair bound), tracheostomy, etc. For a number of years I joined him in taking her out of the nursing home to go to church, shopping, concerts, etc(being an RN I was able to do emergency trach care when required). After a number of years he came to me and said that he still loves his wife and that both his wife as well as many of his church members let him know that they'd be ok with it if he got a divorce and moved on. He asked me for my advice and I could only offer him this.
'You already know the answer deep inside, and you want to let myself and others over-ride what your conscience is telling you. I'm not letting you off the hook. "
He remained faithful to her to the end(she finally passed away in a Hospice. After a number of months after that he met a woman at a church conference he never met before and they eventually got married and moved up north. To this day he constantly thanks me for telling him to trust his conscience. His two daughters by his first wife(who had passed away) are on terrific terms with their step mom. Had he gotten a divorce the familial relationship today would likely be very strained if not ugly

Too often we go with what pals, etc tells us to do that is contrary to our own conscience and we pay a terrible price when we do that.

[ovillegator]

And they absolutely have themselves to blame for not searching out whether their potential spouse has any of these problems. I'll pick on the "number of children" to have since I've had two male friends come to me with "but I didn't know she didn't want kids" story. Isn't the whole point of dating/courtship/engagement to find this stuff out?!?!? Another subject I'm surprised a lot of engaged couples don't even approach is money. My goodness, find out what expenses purchases you'll need over the course of marriage - housing (most important), daycare, cars, etc - and find out where you differ BEFORE you get married. Does he want to stay in the city while she wants the suburbs? Whoever brought up "Christian Counseling" should look into it more. Marriages that occur through the church are often given a disservice in regards to pre-marital counseling which focuses too abstractly on the inner feelings of marriage rather than the practicalities as listed very well above.

Have you been through Christian counseling? Because actually, Christian counseling is very current in it's practices, and does work to get couples to get answers to all of those things you bring up. Historically, most people have married through the church without going through pre-marriage counseling.

[romeg8r]

Hey, divorce happens. Half of all marriages end if divorce. The other half end in death. Face it folks, marriage does not end well.

[GatorAbe7]

Have you been through Christian counseling? Because actually, Christian counseling is very current in it's practices, and does work to get couples to get answers to all of those things you bring up. Historically, most people have married through the church without going through pre-marriage counseling.

I am referring to pre-martial counseling offered by many churches as part of marrying within the church, not marriage crisis counseling, which I don't have an opinion of. From what I've seen, pre-marital counseling does not deal with practicalities nearly as much as it should.

[northgagator]

That is terrible and I applaud your efforts. You are a good man.

Thanks but I have more than my share of faults.
I was raised to stand by your word and to never to play the martyr when doing so. Life is too short to wallow in self pity. Self pity can distract you thus causing you to miss opportunities for true happiness.

Maybe you should invite your wife to be with you during these "activities ". She may not be able to perform but maybe she will at least feel like she is still a part of that portion of your life.

I mean if she already knows your doing it, why not?
We tried that but it makes her feel too bad to see that she can not be a woman in that sense. Also, I am not going to put her through a uncomfortable situation. This arrangement works for us and in some sort of weird way we are closer. However, if had wishes it would be a cure for he disease.

Mt wife suffers from a rare condition called CRPS.
The key symptom of CRPS is continuous, intense pain out of proportion to the severity of the injury (if an injury has occurred), which gets worse rather than better over time. CRPS most often affects one of the extremities (arms, legs, hands, or feet) and is also often accompanied by:

"burning" pain
increased skin sensitivity
changes in skin temperature: warmer or cooler compared to the opposite extremity
changes in skin color: often blotchy, purple, pale, or red
changes in skin texture: shiny and thin, and sometimes excessively sweaty
changes in nail and hair growth patterns
swelling and stiffness in affected joints
motor disability, with decreased ability to move the affected body part
Often the pain spreads to include the entire arm or leg, even though the initiating injury might have been only to a finger or toe. Pain can sometimes even travel to the opposite extremity. It may be heightened by emotional stress.

The symptoms of CRPS vary in severity and length. Some experts believe there are three stages associated with CRPS, marked by progressive changes in the skin, muscles, joints, ligaments, and bones of the affected area, although this progression has not yet been validated by clinical research studies.

Stage one is thought to last from 1 to 3 months and is characterized by severe, burning pain, along with muscle spasm, joint stiffness, rapid hair growth, and alterations in the blood vessels that cause the skin to change color and temperature.

Stage two lasts from 3 to 6 months and is characterized by intensifying pain, swelling, decreased hair growth, cracked, brittle, grooved, or spotty nails, softened bones, stiff joints, and weak muscle tone.

In stage three the syndrome progresses to the point where changes in the skin and bone are no longer reversible. Pain becomes unyielding and may involve the entire limb or affected area. There may be marked muscle loss (atrophy), severely limited mobility, and involuntary contractions of the muscles and tendons that flex the joints. Limbs may become contorted.

My wife is at Stage 3 but has not had the lost of muscle but it is painful as hell.
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy/detail_reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy.htm

Another link
http://www.rsds.org/2/what_is_rsd_crps/index.html

[ovillegator]

I am referring to pre-martial counseling offered by many churches as part of marrying within the church, not marriage crisis counseling, which I don't have an opinion of. From what I've seen, pre-marital counseling does not deal with practicalities nearly as much as it should.

I see. I know in our church it's very thorough along the lines you discussed, but I certainly can't say on behalf of all churches. I'm sure most are getting better, though. The care programs for the indigent, homeless shelters, women's shelters, and community outreach programs at many churches have become better as well.

[FearNoSpear]

I'm not sure I follow the reasoning here. So a husband watches porn and that wrecks a marriage yet a wife having an affair doesn't?

I don't know these people so I don't want to make assumptions or judgments on their relationship but it seems that there were other things going on here than just a husband watching porn.

My thoughts as well

[gator10010]

Thanks but I have more than my share of faults.
I was raised to stand by your word and to never to play the martyr when doing so. Life is too short to wallow in self pity. Self pity can distract you thus causing you to miss opportunities for true happiness.

We tried that but it makes her feel too bad to see that she can not be a woman in that sense. Also, I am not going to put her through a uncomfortable situation. This arrangement works for us and in some sort of weird way we are closer. However, if had wishes it would be a cure for he disease.

Mt wife suffers from a rare condition called CRPS.

My wife is at Stage 3 but has not had the lost of muscle but it is painful as hell.
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy/detail_reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy.htm

Another link
http://www.rsds.org/2/what_is_rsd_crps/index.html

That is some crazy stuff. I've never heard of that before.

It must be very difficult, i wish you the best as you work through this together with your wife.

[ovillegator]

Thanks but I have more than my share of faults.
I was raised to stand by your word and to never to play the martyr when doing so. Life is too short to wallow in self pity. Self pity can distract you thus causing you to miss opportunities for true happiness.


We tried that but it makes her feel too bad to see that she can not be a woman in that sense. Also, I am not going to put her through a uncomfortable situation. This arrangement works for us and in some sort of weird way we are closer. However, if had wishes it would be a cure for he disease.

Mt wife suffers from a rare condition called CRPS.


My wife is at Stage 3 but has not had the lost of muscle but it is painful as hell.
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy/detail_reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy.htm

Another link
http://www.rsds.org/2/what_is_rsd_crps/index.html

I too have never heard of that. You and she are both heroes to me for battling through that together. God bless you both -- you are in our prayers.

[Gatormb]

Dude needs to divorce that crazy beach and move on. Take custody of the kid and maybe not look at so much prawns. Woman in this story is a pathetic cheating piece of garbage.

So he loves shrimp? Gotta love auto correct.:wink:

[Gatormb]

"My wife has a medical condition that makes sexual relations impossible.
I told her that our vows were for "in sickness and in health" and that I will not go into the arms of another woman.
This condition came unto her four years ago and I have not nor will I stray.
I do admit that I do take advantage of porn and self pleasuring to fill in a void and to release those manly urges. I keep this activity to my self and i do not let her know. Somethings are best left unsaid. She knows what I do but she does not say anything. I guess it is because I am still loyal to her."

kudos in living the vow. And despite all the hardships for both of you my guess is that you both find great joy in being with each other

Two friends I had for years had something similar occur
He was a minister and married to a wonderful lady. She suffered two subdural hematomas a number of months apart that left her paralyzed to some extent in all four extremities(wheelchair bound), tracheostomy, etc. For a number of years I joined him in taking her out of the nursing home to go to church, shopping, concerts, etc(being an RN I was able to do emergency trach care when required). After a number of years he came to me and said that he still loves his wife and that both his wife as well as many of his church members let him know that they'd be ok with it if he got a divorce and moved on. He asked me for my advice and I could only offer him this.
'You already know the answer deep inside, and you want to let myself and others over-ride what your conscience is telling you. I'm not letting you off the hook. "
He remained faithful to her to the end(she finally passed away in a Hospice. After a number of months after that he met a woman at a church conference he never met before and they eventually got married and moved up north. To this day he constantly thanks me for telling him to trust his conscience. His two daughters by his first wife(who had passed away) are on terrific terms with their step mom. Had he gotten a divorce the familial relationship today would likely be very strained if not ugly

Too often we go with what pals, etc tells us to do that is contrary to our own conscience and we pay a terrible price when we do that.

Old, that is tremendous advice. I'm going to put that arrow in my quiver. Rep to you sir!

[Gatormb]

North, God bless you brother. Ditto Brother Orville.

[gatorsfan530]

.

[AzCatFan]

Porn itself is not the problem. Porn addiction is. Just like alcohol itself is not evil, but alcoholism can be quite the demon. I'm not a big fan of porn, but will watch occasionally. Wife isn't into it at all, and we've been married for over 15 years. No issues in bed either. We also enjoy wine and beer, and will, on occasion, polish off a bottle of wine at dinner just the two of us. Not regularly, but once every few weeks. Usually ends in a fun night.

As for the couple at the start of the thread, not sure if their marriage is something that can be saved. Truth is, it started on shaky premises if the woman believed the man was going to change once they got married. I'll never understand why anyone, usually women, believe a few pieces of jewelry and a couple of signatures will have some magical effect on people. Truth is, marriage itself rarely, if ever, changes a person. The notion that it does is pure, romantic BS.

The biggest issue with the marriage, however, is the wife's infidelity. If she knew about his porn problem before the marriage, and didn't address it before they said, "I do," that's her fault. Running into the arms of another man, however, is never the answer. And now, what is there to save? A man with a porn addiction is married to an adulterer. It's a shame they have a child together.

[JimBobTheClown]

So he loves shrimp? Gotta love auto correct.:wink:

Sadly, it was intentional.

[gatormoe1]

Define porn addiction? Like he would rather watch porn than have sex? Or he watches porn because she doesn't want sex. If this has been addressed just let me know because I haven't read the whole thread.

[Itssaul]

Fap fap fap

[Swamp_Lovin_Gal]

Men enjoy porn. I don't fault them for that, as long as it doesn't result in my needs being ignored. And in fact it sometimes works to my benefit. ;)

[MeyerIsBack]

Her cheating is all on her. If she wasn't happy, then leave, get counseling, etc.. His 'addiction' sounds like a justification to me.

[The_Ultimate_Gator]

Men enjoy porn. I don't fault them for that, as long as it doesn't result in my needs being ignored. And in fact it sometimes works to my benefit. ;)

How YOU doing?

[gatorknights]

The pron is fantasty, cheating is real. If they want to work it out, I would highly recommend a mulligan on both parts and mix in a little counseling. Needs are not being met here.

[Swamp_Lovin_Gal]

How YOU doing?

Fine. How are you?

[Itssaul]

Fine. How are you?

And she throws the curveball gentlemen.

[The_Ultimate_Gator]

And she throws the curveball gentlemen.

See, boys, it's all about how you talk to them.

[Itssaul]

See, boys, it's all about how you talk to them.

Or that once in a lifetime handsome look in ur avatar

[Swamp_Lovin_Gal]

Settle down, fellas.

[G8trGr8t]

Men enjoy porn. I don't fault them for that, as long as it doesn't result in my needs being ignored. And in fact it sometimes works to my benefit. ;)

a critical eye can certainly enhance their skill set by paying close attention...or so somebody once told me :ninja:

[Swamp_Lovin_Gal]

a critical eye can certainly enhance their skill set by paying close attention...or so somebody once told me :ninja:

Eh it's not so mucb the skills - porn moves don't really work for me. I was thinking more about motivation and confidence.

[romeg8r]

Porn can be a healthy part of a good workout program.

[northgagator]

Porn can be a healthy part of a good workout program.

Are you referring to squat thrusts?

[rburnett]

love nekkid squats.. anybody got that link to EA's vid?

[northgagator]

Naked jumping jacks are fun to watch provided if it is women doing them.

[LeafUF]

I am really disappointed this has not been made into a babes thread yet.

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSAiUlM_F-QGuzTik-_M13b81c9WwWVGz6Vsx9h1cBXUBPgP4zrkw

[romeg8r]

pornarobics.

[bakaduin]

Ran across this today while reading reddit. Seemed relevant.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/08/18/research-suggests-all-men-watch-pornography_n_930349.html

[Swamp_Lovin_Gal]

Ran across this today while reading reddit. Seemed relevant.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/08/18/research-suggests-all-men-watch-pornography_n_930349.html

Some women enjoy it too.

[Itssaul]

Some women enjoy it too.

Lots do

[romeg8r]

There's something kind of hot about a woman who likes porn.

[nastyreptile]

There's something kind of hot about a woman who likes porn.


Sure, you're already rounded third and about to slide into home....:joecool:

[romeg8r]

True. Odds are if she's watching porn with you, the answer is yes.

[rburnett]

so we settled it? porn rules

[lacuna]

so we settled it? porn rules

Well, if it's got control of your life I guess it does.

What's on your computer? Can you control your urge to watch it?

[gator1986]

I like making my own porns

[romeg8r]

Porn can be handy

[panamacitygator]

Anything that consumes your life and takes away from your family is Wrong. I don't care if it's porn, an affair, gambling or whatever else. There all in the same light!

[citygator]

Anything that consumes your life and takes away from your family is Wrong. I don't care if it's porn, an affair, gambling or whatever else. There all in the same light!

College football and recruiting not included of course. Right?

[insuragator]

I've known golf and hunting to destroy marriages. If your number one focus is not your wife then your marriage is doomed. Sorry to say

[PahokeeJoe]

Is this a joke? The woman is about 100000000000x more wrong than the man.

[Swamp_Lovin_Gal]

Is this a joke? The woman is about 100000000000x more wrong than the man.

Misogyny for the win!

[gator10010]

Why do people feel the need to crown a "good guy" and "bad guy" at the end of relationships? As if only one person is at fault for a relationship, between two people, ending.