It’s the second weekend in November football fans, and you know what that means! It means there’s really nothing special going on. But this week’s Picks & Pans nonetheless scoured the Earth — or at least the TV Guide — for the most interesting wrinkles and tidbits of this week’s college football matchups to keep you, the reader, entertained, informed and possibly a little smarter this weekend. And given what I have to work with this week, that effort would be helped tremendously if you by chance were dumb, ignorant and bored. The least you can do is pretend.
Arkansas at No. 8 South Carolina
A contest between teams from the two states that both claim the title of “America’s Homozygous Capital”. These schools have a lot in common: both are supposed to be great every year but aren’t. Both have fans who claim to have incredible history and tradition, but nobody else knows about it. And they both have a fan base for which sibling rivalry usually leads to spousal abuse.
‘Cocks: 12
South Carolina: 23
No. 4 Notre Dame at Boston College
The two big Catholic schools clash. There will be so much football history in the stadium, their stories would fill twelve encyclopedias of football lore. There will be so many Catholic clergy in the stadium, their stories would fill twelve seasons of scripts for “Law & Order: SVU.”
Irish: 10 Hail Marys
The Other Irish: 1 Glory Be
Iowa State at No. 17 Texas
The pride of the Cyclone State…no wait, that’s the Hawkeyes. The shame of the Hawkeye State visits the Friendship State where they are guaranteed to receive nothing of the sort.
‘Clones: 27
Zombies: 28
Georgia Tech at North Carolina
Tech will bring the cheese; Carolina will bring the wine….everyone else, bring a book.
Grey Poupon?: 20
Why Yes: 17
Ball State at Toledo
Last year, Ball State University was terrorized, sort of, by a man on a 1950s-style bike, who would pedal through campus lewdly smacking coeds on the behind. Campus police put out a warning for this cad, which set into motion the creation of the Facebook group, “The Ball State *ss Slapper.” This immediately spawned another group called, “WE OPPOSE MEMEBRS OF THE BALL STATE *SS SLAPPERS GROUP. IT IS NOT A JOKE!!!” Soon to follow was BSU *ss Slapper merchandise and the “Ball State *ss Slapper Song”. If you think I am making this up, look them all up on eBay, YouTube and Facebook. I bring this up about David Letterman’s alma mater because there is an *SS slapper at BALL State. I’ve always said people from Indiana don’t know one end from the other.
The World’s Least Dangerous Band: 34
We are NOT the Mud Hens! 27
I am just being told that this game has in fact already been played this week, and the final score was exactly as predicted. Paul? Did you … did you know that, Paul? You uh … you got any gum? Heh-HEEEH!!
No. 1 Alabama at North Texas
With Florida having just played a cellar dwelling member of the Sun Belt Conference last year and set to face another of the conference’s mighty mites this week, it is difficult to pick on the pachyderms too much for playing the team that won that league title 4-straight years from 2001 to 2004.
I’m just being told that it is not in fact the Crimson Tide but rather the Jaguars from the University of South Alabama (USA, as they ironically call themselves) who are visiting North Texas. That would certainly explain some things. Well…I’ve already started…
So let’s just concentrate on the fact that USA is facing off against a team called The Mean Green. The Mean Green. They have a mascot named scrappy who is a white eagle of fairly even temperament, but they apparently are big fans of Burt Reynolds and Eddie Albert. The Mean Green Fighting Machine hails from Denton, city motto “North of Ordinary” (though the state of Texas has confirmed they have no town named Ordinary). This may explain why their only notable alumnus is Joe Greene, nicknamed “Mean” Joe Greene while at North Texas after the team, since apparently fans kept forgetting who he played for. More than even his Hall of Fame NFL career, Mean Joe is probably known best for his role in the immortal Coca-Cola commercial titled “Hey, kid, catch!,” wherein he tosses his game jersey to a little boy who gave him his Coke to console and refresh him after a tough loss. It was a made-for-TV-moment. This game is not.
I think I broke his f*#@*%# neck: 48
Game Ball: 6
Boise State at Hawaii
Q. What’s the difference between a Boise State University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Broncs Zoo: 32
Haw-why-do-we-have-a-team?: 17
No. 9 Louisville at Syracuse
Big East football just doesn’t get any better than this! Unfortunately.
♫♪“What’s the Worst Football? Chicken of the C (u-s-e)”♪♫: 32
Sorry Charlie: 37
Kansas at No. 22 Texas Tech
Kansas has the reputation as being the flattest state, but in point of fact that distinction is held by Florida. Kansas is likewise known for having the most tornadoes in the country. However, the state that actually has the most annual twisters is Texas. Kansas is also widely known as the trailer park capital of the United States, but that honor actually goes to Nevada, with Sun Valley being home to the biggest mobile home whistle stop in the world. Kansas can’t even finish first in sucking.
Red Raiders: 32
Blue Birds: 17
No. 5 Georgia at Auburn
There is now a documented medical condition caused by over-exposure to the heated seat cushions in automobiles. It isn’t a burn, but more of a discoloration of the skin, with rusty brown reticulated patches over the parts of the backside that is over-exposed to the car butt warmer or heated seat. That’s not really pertinent information; I just wanted to make hundreds of people say the word “reticulated” out loud. You know you did. The thing to note here is that the clinical condition is known as “toasted skin syndrome.” Don’t believe me? Just look at Mark Richt’s or Gene Chizik’s derrière the next time one of them is getting their pants pulled down and spanked on national television by an SEC opponent — which will be happening to both of them within the next month when they face Alabama.
Never before has there been a coach less than two years removed from winning a national title facing a coach who is bringing his team to a second-straight league title game, and both of their program’s fan bases want them fired before the end of the day. Every day. There is no hotter hot seat than that of an SEC coach at a program whose fans are all inbred hillbillies and hicks.
Exception noted, Mr. Saban.
Quit Like Dogs: 33
Play Like Pussy Cats: 23
Louisiana-Lafayette at No. 6 Florida
Let’s get to know Florida’s opponent this week. The University of Louisiana at Lafayette football team is the Ragin’ Cajuns. Isn’t that redundant? We’ve seen their reality shows on cable. Are there really any reserved, even-tempered Cajuns? Not a lot of Cajuns heading up the chess club or playing new age lounge music at the Dresden Room. The Cajuns play their football on Cajun Field, their school emblem looks exactly like the logo of Popeye’s Cajun Kitchen and their mascot is Cayenne, a giant anthropomorphic cayenne pepper. We get it: you’re Cajuns. Cayenne is not actually their mascot, but their “spirit leader,” which may explain why they’ve only won one bowl game in their 43 year history: it’s difficult to muster the necessary passion for the game when your spiritual leader is a French Guianan fruit pod. They’ve tried to come up with mascots in the past, including one called “Mr. Ragin’ Cajun,” which was only an animated mascot — making it very difficult for the human mascot to get into the costume on game day – and the most popular mascot in their history, “The Fabulous Cajun Chicken” … which was apparently … “fabulous” … you can see where they get their rage.
Cajun Field is at McNaspy Stadium, named after local rapper McNaspy, who developed a lisp one St. Patrick’s Day weekend while freebasing Shamrock Shakes. Hamburglar represent. They have four rivalry games that decide who gets to have yearly possession of the Cypress Mug, the Cajun Crown, the Sabine Shoe and the Bayou Boot. Football is apparently how they clothe themselves in the Louisiana swamp.
No Gigging this Gator: 42
What is Grimace, anyway? Did he lose his job when “H.R. Pufnstuf” was cancelled?: 0