PD’s Picks & Pans: Week 5

Previewing a weekend devoid of Gators football or even a top-25 clash within the Southeastern Conference, PD keeps the picks rolling by breaking down all the excitement of Wisconsin at Nebraska and Clemson vs. Boston College. Seriously, it’s going to be a slow Saturday on the college football landscape.

Well, there’s always No. 14 Ohio State at No. 20 Michigan State.

But as late-great Southern author and Atlanta Journal Constitution columnist Lewis Grizzard once observed, sitting through Big 10 games are “like watching two mules fighting over a turnip…Who cares?”

While College GameDay’s “marquee” matchup of the week is left off this edition of PD’s picks, fear not. Lee Corso has you covered.

Towson @ No. 3 LSU

Florida fans will be watching closely to see if LSU looks any better than it did against Auburn last week, hoping to better gauge the Gators’ chances of knocking off the Tigers in Gainesville next week. Then Gator Nation will see they are playing Towson, and stop watching…Towson. I don’t even know what a Towson is. I had to look it up. Towson University’s website claims it is “renown” (presumably by the viewers of “Glee”) “for winning its 11th-straight national championship in Dance.” The dance team keeps itself in shape in the offseason by playing football games against the SEC.

End zone Dancing: 55

Sideline Prancing : 6

No. 4 Florida State @ South Florida

In-state kissing cousins clash in the virtual Atlantic Coast Conference-Big East Super Conference, soon to be re-named The League of Sub-Ordinary Gentlemen.

FSU: 30

The palindrome for Bolton is Notlob: 13

No. 15 TCU @ SMU

TCU-SMU is an anagram for Cut Sum. And that’s exactly what this games smells like.

Horney Toads: 27

Randy Ponies: 13

Wisconsin @ No. 22 Nebraska

Big Red against Big Red. They’re going to pound against each other until one or all of them burst. That’s not the Wisconsin and Nebraska football teams I’m referring to, but all the main arteries in the bodies of Badgers and Huskers fans. Sure, the arteries are actually blue inside the body, but once they hit the tailgate buffet Saturday and crash through the valve closers, red it will be.

Can I get “Cheeze” on the Bacon Brat Burger?: 24

I’ll take Corn Dogs, Corn Muffins and Corned Hog Jowls with my Corn squeezin’s: 23

Middle Tennessee @ Georgia Tech

MTSU-GT is an anagram for M.T. Guts.

I also suck at Sudoku.

Yellow Jackets: 27

Blue Raiders: 13

Green Fans: 0

You know, green from being ill from watching the game…yellow + blue makes green…moving on…

Arkansas @ Texas A&M

This Week’s Guest Picker: the 1992 Saturday Night Live Presidential Debate sketch.

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, let’s be frank. You’re running for president, yet your only experience has been as the governor of a small, backward state with a population of drunken hillbillies riding around in pickup trucks. The main streets of your capital city Little Rock are something out of L’il Abner, with buxom underage girls in their cutoff denims prancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking, shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminately at runaway hogs.

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry, Sam do you have a question?

Sam Donaldson: My question is: How can you stand it? Don’t you lose your mind living down there?

Ah, the classics…

Maybe it’s A&M’s crop research manure reserves, or maybe it’s the diaper that the Hogs keep soiling every week, but this game stinks.

First in the U.S. in Crushed by Heavy Stones: 34

Real On-Field Comedy: 14

Ole Miss @ No. 1 Alabama

Behind UF, Ole Miss has the second-hottest population of lovely co-eds in the college world. Conversely, Alabama has the last known active chapter of Omega Mu. After watching this atrocious whitewash, we’ll all need one of Booger’s Wonder Joints.

College refs have not flagged Bama for holding since the Johnson Administration. Andrew Johnson. The refs look right at the holding and do not throw the flag…if you asked them, “Uh, so that drag-down by the facemask and that move where he picked up our defensive end and put him in an airplane spin before dropping him in a vertical suplex…those weren’t holding?,” I imagine their response would be like Nathan Thurm, Martin Short’s classic character of a nervous, sweating, chain smoking big tobacco lawyer, denying everything:

Coach of team playing Bama: “That was holding – he actually took the defensive tackle’s jersey off and tased him.”

Ref: “Is that what they say, or is that what you say? If that’s what they say, I have no comment….If that’s what you say, then…I have no comment.”

Coach: “Then, you have no comment, ref?”

Ref: “I didn’t say that! You said that! Did I say that? I didn’t say that! I think that’s so funny that you think I said that! I didn’t say that!”

…or perhaps the refs would respond like John Cleese’s Black Knight character in Holy Grail, pretending he hasn’t just had all 4 limbs cut off in the sword fight:

Coach: “That’s gotta be holding — he ripped his arm out of the socket.”

Ref: “No he didn’t!”

Coach: “Yes he did — it’s lying on the ground at your feet.”

Ref: “It’s just a flesh wound. Have at you!”

It’s even worse in basketball season, though. I can still hear Billy D yelling at the officiating crew last year when Florida faced Alabama: “Oh come on — there’s a TEEN WOLF on the court! That HAS to be illegal!”

Roll in Flour and Aim for…Tide: 40

Mississippi Burning Again: 10

No. 17 Clemson @ Boston College

Boston College is flat on its face and Clemson is on the rise. Another ACC date rape for the police blotter. 

Climpsin: 32

Bahstahn Cahlahge: 17

No. 8 Stanford @ Washington (Thursday)

This simply isn’t fair! Stanford wins the Sears all-sports trophy every year because they win national titles in sports such as badminton, men’s child birthing and jarts. But now they’re good in an actual SPORT? Wake me when it’s over (I mean this game). The fighting Color trucks the Malamutes.

Tree: 32

Dead Wood:  20

Houston vs. Rice @ Reliant Stadium in Houston, Tex.

The reason they call Houston’s and Rice’s conference “Conference-USA” is that nobody knows what state any of the teams are in. Except Houston — everyone knows where the “Men’s Fitness” annual “Fattest City in America” is.

Cougar Town: 52

Woodsy:  10

Toledo @ Western Michigan

I’m not sure why I’m picking this game. You do crazy things in the quiet still of a college football weekend with no Gators game to gear up for. Toledo gives Western Michigan a little variety amidst its season-long game wherein WMU and Eastern Michigan play keep-away from Central Michigan. Klinger’s Killers M*A*S*H up the Broncos.

The Only Town Akron Can Make Fun Of: 21

If the Ice Fishin’ Shack is a Rockin’…:  10

Tennessee @ No. 5 Georgia

After watching them play tough and precise football for about three quarters against Florida before folding like travel plaza pamphlet for Dollywood, it was the thinking here that Tennessee was going to beat some people this year. Or in the case of Georgia, some early hominids. But only if the Vols were able to put the home collapse against the Gators squarely out of their minds and put the focus on Bulldogs squarely in their minds.

But apparently the main focus in Knoxville this week was putting wine bottles squarely in their butts. And that really makes you lose focus…I’ve HEARD! Yes, in case you missed it, a UT fraternity is being investigated for its members allegedly engaging in the Rocky Top ritual of “butt-chugging” wine. Tennessee administration officials said that if there was anything improper going on with one of their students’ rectums, they would immediately look into it, and they are in fact launching their own probe. 


UT Vice Chancellor for Student Life W. Timothy Rogers said about the incident, “This in some ways has tarnished the entire university community. We feel we’ve got a black eye.” Well, given the nature of the incident, better to have a black eye than a brown eye.

I for one hope they show restraint when they dole out the punishment, and remember these are just confused kids who don’t know better. It’s not their fault they were jamming wine bottles into their posteriors, doing a high-class keg stand with the inlet a tad higher than usual. They probably went down to their local wine merchant, and being young and unworldly, they inquired as to the finer points of the art and craft of enjoying fine wine. Given the average I.Q. of your typical UT student, no doubt one of the questions they asked is which end they should stick the bottle into. As any high-brow wine steward would, the local vino clerk told them to use the same hole they use to speak.

But don’t blame the clerk, either. How was he to know that all UT students talk out their a**?

Inebriated Mutts: 34

Drunken Butts: 14

Yes, this week included two SNL references and 2 references from Monty Python. There were opportunities for a third of both, but I thought I’d leave them for you to think up.

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David Parker
One of the original columnists when Gator Country first premiered, David “PD” Parker has been following and writing about the Gators since the eighties. From his years of regular contributions as a member of Gator Country to his weekly columns as a partner of the popular defunct niche website Gator Gurus, PD has become known in Gator Nation for his analysis, insight and humor on all things Gator.